Daggerspine wasn't the glorious adventuring hotspot it was made sound like. Or at least that was Johnnie's thought when we were entering yet another unnamed tunnel deep under the mountainline. For a week we have been trampling over goblin hordes, wild beasts and criminal parties, avoided and stumbled upon traps of all kinds and, worst of all, according to Johnnie, had to have an eye over a caravan going towards the Bay of Bos. It wasn't the constant criminal threat that bugged Johnnie in that assignment, it was the lack of good-looking women and booze. They were a caravan of monks.
Now I was leading my men to an old enclave of wizards and priests who had made millions of interesting experiments with human biology and anatomy. Too bad that the enclave had been overrun by a horde of goblinoids and other mischievous creatures.
"And then there was the Captain. Captain promised us wealth and riches, not some damp and decomposing buildings inside some bloody mountains", Johnnie grumbled. I patted him on the armor-clad shoulder and smiled. "You do remember that you gave me the money to have those horses we have outside?"
Johnnie went quiet for a while, before starting the mumbling of curses again. I decided to leave it at that, as Varis returned from scouting. "Two large steel doors ahead, other one is used, the other one is not."
"How is that?" I asked and scratched my chin. It needed a shave. Varis shrugged and said: "maybe the buggers don't want to go there?"
"Or they leave their hoard there and don't let anyone else see it", Vito proposed looking hopeful. Varis smirked in agreement.
"Let's go take a look", I said smiling widely. Varis bolted onward and made it to the door before anyone else. We had made sure that our new armor didn't make a sound when we moved, but it still felt like a massive power was gathering to greet us, and not in a friendly way.
The door was rusty, but it had clean and oiled hinges, and it opened loomingly easily, like it was greeting us. It never postponed good.
"I'll go first", I said and covered behind my shield before entering the chamber. Nothing happened, but it just made me feel more uncomfortable, like I'd like to get rid of my body and just fly away as quickly as possible.
"See anything gleaming?" Johnnie asked by the door.
"Only your greedy eyes, Johnnie", I answered and the fifteen laughed nervously. They were hardened in battles, but this was something they weren't used to.
I tried to lit the torches, but as soon as I got my fire near one of them, they all burst into a bright, magically enhanced glow revealing a massive stone table with some delicate machinery on top of it. The gadget covered the table completely, and it sparked magically under the newly gained light.
"What the horna is that?" Vito asked and started to circle the machine. It had a huge container on top of it with a meter shoving that it was half full of something.
"I do not know, Vito, but I'd like you not to touch anything, okay?" I said and examined the thing closer. It had small levers and pulls in it, just calling for me to test them. Resisting the urge I peeked to my left, where all the men were gathered like a flock of hens. Johnnie was leaning forward to something when I walked to him and looked dazzled by the pretty buttons in front of him.
It was then when I noticed the two-parted floor. Our side was black while the other side was bright white.
"Couldn't I try one of them, captain?"
"No, Johnnie."
"Just one, boss? They are so pretty lights..."
"Don't you dare!"
"Just this one..."
"Stop him!" I yelled, but too late...
When I opened my eyes, I felt a great relief. I was alive, and listening to the moaning around me I had a strong feeling that at least some of my men were alive too.
"What happened?" a high voice asked softly, but cursing like a harbour-worker. I levered myself up to my elbows and looked at Vito. Or what seemed to have Vito's armour and weapons, but definitely wasn't him.
"Oh shit!" we both said loudly.
We made it back to Daggerspine, and I knocked the door of the one man I trusted enough to help me on this. Luckily he was sleeping at our cousins' house, so it wouldn't cause too much a stir afterwards for me to bang their door.
"Matt, Matt! Get up and down here immediately!" I yelled when I noticed a curtain move upstairs.
"Do you know what time it is, dear?" Matt's voice asked from the window sleepily.
"I don't give a crap of the time! Get down here now!"
"Sure thing, doll.."
"And don't you dare to 'doll' me again, you swine!" I roared furiously. I most certainly wasn't in the mood for silly jokes.
Finally the door opened and Matt's head peeked through it. "Who might you be, then?"
"Me? I am your god-forsaken brother Mill, you twat."
Matt opened the door wide open and looked at me and my soldiers. For a moment he was still and quiet, but then he started to heckle. "I think you are better called 'sister' now, bro", he managed to say before bursting into a thundering laughter and falling to his knees.
I looked behind me and sighed. All fifteen looked more or less like women, the most distinctive features I had known from their time as men still shoving. Varis had his nose and Johnnie his skinny figure, but otherwise they were all purely women. Like was I. The armor was loose somewhere and tight elsewhere, and it most certainly wasn't the way I liked it.
"How on earth did you do that?" Matt asked when he had got a control over himself and escorted us to our cousin's place to have a cup of something to drink.
"Beats me. If Johnnie hadn't had that sudden urge to push a button..." I growled femininely and then slammed my fist to the table. "I am already full of this, Matt! Thrice we had to shove away a band of outlaws because we 'looked lonely' and twice we were asked why didn't we have an escort! Bloody horna! The fact we had armours on and were armed to our teeth didn't differ the fact that we were 'without men'!"
Matt grinned and tapped his lip. "Daggerspine is a little conservative state, I can tell you that much..."
"Do shut up and get us some help."
"That is somewhat tricky, mate. It might be that your hair has grown to a beautiful raven-hair when I have done that..."
Luckily my men, or women, got me before I strangled my own brother.
Ought to be continued
(Kudos for Ed Greenwood.

)