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Old 07-11-2008, 05:23 AM
Abilena Abilena is offline
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Default Tal Vierden

{OOC} Roleplaying this from a male character, Death Knight. Going to call him "Tand."

A dark figure walked slowly through the expanse of the abandoned city, looking all to sinister. Clutched in his hand, a glowing Voidsteel Dreadblade, humming in it's deadly energy, eagerly awaiting it's next meal, and its owner did not plan on depriving it of this pleasure. His hair brushed down to his shoulders, pale, shriveled shoulders... His eyes glowed a sinister green, and even in death, do they glow.

He slowly rounded a turn, his heavy platemail not making a sound, to be faced by a heavy iron door, bolted from the other side. A deadly smirk crept onto his face, and slowly, he raised his glowing blade till it was pointed directly at the door.

"Mis't Void wess Äat iit, I faal nwer kar."

A sharp blast of black energy fired from the sword into the door, colliding into it with a tremendous bang. He did not wait for the dust to clear, slowly striding into the clearing, his glowing eyes fell upon a legendary being, the mighty Tal Vierden.

Tal Vierden, formerly known as Tiberius Reteria, was a handsome man from the Steel Empire and grew up a troubled life. As an infant, he was rejected, and hated by his siblings. As a teenager, his parents abandoned him, leaving him to fend for himself. When he became of age, he left the Steel Empire behind him, and tried to find himself a new life. Quickly, he took interest to the dark magics, and upon being refused to study by the Necromancers of the Deadlands, he became enraged. Blinded by hate, he resorted to what can only be called a stupid move. With unleashed fury, he made for the original tomb, a tomb filled with the ancient remains of the first Death Knights. When he arrived he unleashed them, unleashing their mighty souls into his body.

Crippled by pain, he lay on the ground of that evil monestary, and in seconds, was dead. When he rose again, he left all traces of Tiberius Reteria behind him, and in infamy, became to be called Tal Vierden.

Tal Vierden was a fiercesome creature, greatly strong, he boasted a large figure. His face was never seen, where his hood parted, all that could be seen was a gaping hole, filled by nothing. His platemail clanked constantly, and made his figure even more impressive than it already was.

He turned around slowly to face his opponent.

"I have known you would come, young one." Stated a less than suprised Tal Vierden.

In annoyance, Tand stated, "Shut it queer, I'm 300 years old."

"You dare mock me, fool?" Said Vierden

"Haahaa, of course!" Yelled Tand

With a mighty leap, Tand's figure lept across the room, and violently, the two opponents swords, and with a mighty crash, there figures followed.

With both of them standing there, neither wanting to lose an advantage, Tal Vierden took the initiative, and shoved Tand off him. He raised his hand to point directly at his opposors stumbling figure, and with a netherwordly voice, shouted.

"Mir tuh Void fass!"

A green wave of energy rolled off the tips of Vierdens fingers, launching itself into the recovering body of Tand. Once more swept off his feet, he was flung across the small room into the wall. Tal Vierden quickly leaped up and lunged his sword toward Tand's body. A barely hear able whisper was said, and Tal Vierden found himself staggering backwards.

Both quickly recovered, and with a snarl, charged one another. Once again, there swords met, this time repeatedly. A quick exchange of blows occurred, and Tand caught a shot into Tal Vierden's side. He pushed him backwards, and once again, raising his sword, to Tal Vierden's chest, shouted the words.

""Mis't Void wess Äat iit, I faal nwer kar."

A black bolt of energy plummeted into Tal Vierdens chest, sending him to the floor. As he lay there motionless, Tand hovered above him. He looked down on his opponent, and in a scarce second, he saw the face of Tiberius Reteria in Tal Vierdens hood, then it was gone, and all that could be seen was a black hole.

In a quick motion, Tand plunged his sword into Tal Vierdens chest, and held it there.

He looked down upon his fallen opponents figure, in what can loosely be described as pity, and knowing what tortured soul was within, quickly said the following words.

"I release you."

All muscle tension in Tal Vierdens body stopped, and finally, after all these years, Tiberius Reteria, was free, and the ancient ones, put back in there graves.

__________________________________________________ ___________
Hmm, first attempt at that, any comments? Got tired at the end, so didn't go into detail.

Last edited by Abilena; 07-11-2008 at 04:37 PM.
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Old 07-11-2008, 09:48 PM
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Ashen Ashen is offline
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The Eye of Argon is considered to be the worst piece of literature ever written, and I'd like to start off by saying that not only was your piece significantly better, it actually was fairly enjoyable to read. However, it does suffer, slightly, from one of the two reasons the Eye of Argon sucked so royally bad.

The first reason EoA was awful is because the author went on, and on, and on about details that could've been summed up in less than a sentence. Your story doesn't suffer from this. The second reason EoA was awful was because in certain scenes, particularly battles, the author used some incredibly odd wording. One does not note something in the middle of the battle, one notices it, for example. Your story does suffer from this occasionally.

For example: "Once again, their swords met, this time repeatedly." This could probably have been better written as something that implies a fast-paced, furious battle, as opposed to an intellectual examination of said battle. The words themselves make sense, but they don't convey the mood of combat very well. "Their swords met, striking each other again and again." might have worked better, but I've been reading a MSTing of the Eye of Argon, so I'm in no position to offer good literary advice.

Anyway, it was a good story, so don't let my criticisms keep you from writing more.
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